WHEN YOU WEREN’T LOOKING

By Shaun Gannon

when you weren't looking, the night broke in and the house grew dark.

when you weren't looking, I hid a knife under my pillow.

when you weren't looking, the children of the neighborhood gathered in our front yard, running around a bonfire and babbling nonsense, and when I went outside to shoo them away, they stopped and stared at me, silent until I came back inside and hid in the closet.

when you weren't looking, I transformed energy into life and now the sun won't shut up.

when you weren't looking, the temperature fell 10 degrees.

when you weren't looking, I was strung up on the front yard fence with razor wire because I keep forgetting to pay the paperboy.

when you weren't looking, I slam dunked the world, but Atlas shrugged, refusing to acknowledge his schooling.

when you weren't looking, you missed the series finale of Lost where Jack returns to the island and collects the surviving castaways, tells them he’s seen the world they're trying to return to, describes it in full detail, and they all simultaneously kill themselves.

when you weren't looking, I cracked a smile and my lips bled.

when you weren't looking, I cracked my neck and my marrow bled.

when you weren't looking, the landlord came over to check out why the sink only spews out bile, but he left without saying a word.

when you weren't looking, the paint started coming off the walls.

when you weren't looking, I crawled into the TV. I live here now.

when you weren't looking, the TV flickered and fuzzed, turning the news into a garbled mess, and no matter how much I pounded on the side of the box, it refused to show me the Lotto numbers, so that’s why I ate your ticket.

when you weren't looking, you got a painted portrait of you from me in the mail. It looks terrible.

when you weren't looking, I smoked a cigarette in our dark bedroom, watching the neighbors have sex through the window.

when you weren't looking, my hands started shaking again and I shoved them into my pockets, thankful that you weren't looking.

when you weren't looking, I thought about turning your head and kissing you.

when you weren't looking, I was tested by God and found wanting.

when you weren't looking, an airplane crashed into my face lol random XD

when you weren't looking, you forgot I was there.

when you weren't looking, I quit being the designated driver.

when you weren't looking, I put your drink on the roof.

when you weren't looking, ants dropped from the trees onto the deck out back, piles and piles of ants, crawling and festering all over the wood, and I'm only telling you this because I don't know what they want.

when you weren't looking, I checked into a hotel and refused to leave my room or let housekeeping in, and I stayed in bed for a month thinking of all the things we could be doing right now if only you had come with me, but you didn't, because you weren't looking.

when you weren't looking, I turned down the picture of your husband and kids.

when you weren't looking, I went to the beach, where everybody mistook me for someone else.

when you weren't looking, I wrote a word on every page of every book you own, one word for every day that we will live.

when you weren't looking, I crossed to the other side of the street.

when you weren't looking, you walked through a strand of spider silk, and now there’s something on your chest.

when you weren’t looking, I slipped diet pills into both of the drinks so you couldn’t avoid them, but you’d already developed a tolerance, so I slowly disappeared.

when you weren’t looking, I slipped on the mat and you fell on me, so really, we both won Twister.

when you weren't looking, we felt our own faces for signs of emotion.

when you weren't looking, damn, look what you missed.

WHEN YOU WEREN’T LOOKING

By DJ Berndt

when you weren't looking, I left the stove on again and now the gas rules your house.

when you weren't looking, you fell asleep in my arms. I carried you to bed and tucked you in, but by bed I mean bathtub and oh yeah, I stole your kidneys.

when you weren't looking, a group of lions tore us to pieces and we formed a neat little pile, finally one.

when you weren't looking, the clouds took the form of your face and it was looking at me.

when you weren't looking, your other four senses were telling you what a horrible person I am.

when you weren't looking, God's hard drive crashed so He had no choice but to forgive us all our sins, Amen.

when you weren't looking, the earth exploded but we survived without a scratch somehow.

when you weren't looking, you came on down and bid one dollar.

when you weren't looking, I cracked another beer and our relationship bled.

when you weren't looking, someone squeezed out the last of the toothpaste, but I swear it wasn’t me.

when you weren't looking, things stayed quiet for a very long time.

when you weren't looking, the walls started coming off the paint.

when you weren't looking, the cameraman zoomed in on you and you looked really bad.

when you weren’t looking, you lived a complete life.

when you weren't looking, I tried to rob your grave to build a Frankenstein, but all of your body parts were too ugly to use.

when you weren't looking, I cheated on you with a prettier girl because I'm really seriously not a good person.

when you weren't looking, I switched our sex organs and made a few babies.

when you weren't looking, I renamed our baby. Guess what he's called now.

when you weren't looking, Jesus topped himself by skateboarding on water.

when you weren't looking, I typed your name into Facebook and saw that you unfriended me. The only parts of your profile that I could see were the ones you left for your non-friends to see, and it made me feel really sad to know that I'm finally out of your life.

when you weren't looking, my heart had to run on batteries until you looked back at me.

when you weren't looking, I put roofies in your drink.

when you weren't looking, a bird flew by the window and – oh, you were looking? Nevermind then.

when you weren't looking, I accidentally downloaded a virus on your computer that caused all the machines in your house to turn against us, but don’t worry because I built us a treehouse so we can live together in the forest.

when you weren’t looking, doves carried you up into the sky because you are the prettiest girl in the whole wide world.

when you weren't looking, I forgot to feed our kitten for two weeks and now we are alone again.

when you weren't looking, the Titanic swam back to the surface and beat the shit out of an iceberg.

when you weren't looking, I deleted your Xanga.

when you weren't looking, I died and was instantly reincarnated as the exact same person.

when you weren't looking, I thought about making dinner for you but I don't want you to get any fatter.

when you weren't looking, I tried to challenge you to an impromptu wrestling match, but you had already pinned me.

when you weren't looking, you drew an X in the middle of a grid and scored a tic-tac-toe.

when you weren't looking, your parents looked at you approvingly for the first and last time.

when you weren't looking, what the fuck were you doing?